Eventually, after years of talking… I got really tired of talking. I was tired of recounting the horrors of my childhood to people who didn’t really try to hide the fact that they didn’t really care.
So.. I stopped talking. It was all fine and dandy at first but then I started to have stomach troubles and I started to have anxiety and bouts of depression.. I didn’t like the person I was becoming.
I wasn’t okay with how I was feeling so I made my mind up that I had to find a way to solve it for myself.
This was the beginning of a very long, rewarding journey that I’m still walking today, as I write this.
When I started down this path, I felt alone and like I was the biggest mistake to have ever graced this Earth.
Now, I know that I am here for a reason.. (you are too, by the way) and that my existence is on purpose. I have so much to offer this world… (you do too, by the way). It hasn’t been easy.
I’ve got a free Facebook community called “Defeated but ready to thrive 25+ women” where I am helping women just like myself, walk the path I’ve walked. In there I have a free program that walks you from feeling stuck to freedom. If you'd like, head over and join us... if you're not quite ready, no biggie.
The struggle is real.
Only for me I didn’t know what on earth was going on with me. See, I was fine one day and then the next day I wasn’t. It was like a freight train had ran me over.
My first real encounter with my anxiety was 5 years ago. The school year had just come to an end and I was excited for the summer my boyfriend and I had planned. We were going to go on this amazing road trip.
Then fire season happened and at the time, my boyfriend was responsible for running the fire camp so he came home one day at lunch time and told me that he had to go to camp and he didn’t know when he’d be home. Well, let me tell you that this sudden change was NOT okay in my head. It was the first in a series of things that sent be down a road of panic attacks.
I did my best to hold myself together but I felt on edge. My body felt off. My stomach was in knots and it was hard to catch my breath. I stayed at home a lot because I was bursting into tears at the most random times and I didn’t want THAT to happen in public.
What would people think of me?!?
In that moment, I seriously thought I was going crazy. I felt so alone. I didn’t want to tell anyone because then they’d think I was crazy and then it would be real.
I remember going to visit my boyfriend and sitting on the bench next to him, crying hysterically for some reason I didn’t know.
My dad also got married that summer and I really wanted to be there but that wasn’t possible. That didn’t help matters.
Eventually, things calmed down. Little did I know at the time, that this would be the cycle I would go through for the next 3 years until I discovered tools that would help me.
I still have days every now and then that are anxiety ridden but that’s a HUGE improvement from WEEKS. I’m a resilience seeker and I invite you to join me. I’ve created a free Facebook community centred around living a better, more resilient life.